Exgay Ministries - A Closer Look
Orientation Change Ministries – A Closer Look
This page is for those who want to take a deeper look at orientation
change ministries. As you have probably already noted... I am
opposed to orientation change ministries for reasons I already listed
(see here).
But let me further clarify some of the issues here. There can be a bit
of confusion over what the term ‘homosexuality’ means.
Sometimes, sex addictions, pornography, orgies, and the like are
all lumped under the one term ‘homosexuality’. This can be
confusing and is derogatory to the many gay and lesbian people
who do not do these things (more on this later). Additionally, some
situations that look like homosexuality are actually what I would call
‘pseudo-homosexuality’. In other words there can be same sex
closeness or intimacy and perhaps same sex sexual activity that is
not orientation driven. Let’s explore this further below…
Types of Pseudo-Homosexuality
Institutional homosexuality:
This is also called "situational homosexuality". It can happen in
same sex prisons where the intense loneliness and need for
companionship may lead to same sex relationships between some
folks who are straight. This is not the same as a same sex
orientation.
Sexual trauma homosexuality:
There can be circumstances where extreme sexual trauma such as
rape could give someone a real aversion to the opposite sex. In
these types of circumstances some people may seek out intimacy
from a same sex individual since a relationship with the opposite
sex brings bad memories, distrust, and traumatic distress. This is
actually similar to institutional homosexuality (above) but the prison
here is not made of mortar and brick but is instead the emotional
prison of a wounded soul. This is not the same as a same sex
orientation either.
Experimental homosexuality:
This may be practiced by straight folks who are in rebellion or are
simply experimenting with things that give pleasure .. drugs …. sex
… and so forth. This would be driven more by desire and lust, not
by an orientation based attraction. Obviously this is not the same as
a same sex orientation.
True Homosexuality:
This would, of course, be those who by their very nature are
attracted to the same sex, romantically, relationally, and sexually.
This would be a true, orientation based, same sex attraction.
-----------
Now before you get all comfortable with this lets take it a step further:
So it really is not possible for us to make assumptions about people
just because we hear some snippet of information. We need to
accept what people say about themselves unless they say
otherwise. We have no basis to decide that because there was
sexual trauma in their life, or experimentation, or a dysfunctional
family, or whatever, that they are not truly gay. Gay people go
through these kinds of circumstances and they are still gay. Straight
people go through these kinds of circumstances and they are still
straight.
Now if someone is unsure of their sexual identity and wants to seek
counsel, I have no problem with that. Psychological counsel can be
good and is nothing to be ashamed of. But it needs to be
professional unbiased counsel. It cannot be shame based counsel
where, depending on one’s conclusion, the person is condemned or
looked down on by a particular ideology or faith tradition.
Unfortunately can happen with orientation change counseling if a
person fails to make the change that these ministries require.
For example, here is a quote by Alan Chambers, the head of the
group 'Exodus', an exgay ministry that closed its doors in the
summer of 2013 ...
“So, yes, repentance for the homosexual person and anyone else
for that matter is repenting of who they are: behaviors, identity and
all. This is why I believe it is important to clarify that just living a
celibate gay life is just as sinful as living a sexually promiscuous
one. The sin is in identifying with anything that is contrary to Christ,
which homosexuality clearly is.”
This quote is from Alan's book: God’s Grace and the Homosexual
Next Door (pages 217-218) and clearly shows an agenda and
attitude typical of exgay ministries. The only answer they give is to
repent of a homosexual identity. Failure to do so is identified as
sinful. Such a position creates an attitude of shame and fear in the
person being counseled and gives no room for exploration of one’s
identity. It is not even good enough to identify as gay and then live a
life of celibacy (the Side B approach). No, there is only one solution
given. But how can any honesty exist in counseling such as this
when one of the conclusions a person might come to is viewed as
sinful, something to be ashamed of, and perhaps even condemned
for? I will note that I am getting some indications that Alan may have
changed his position since this book was published. But, if this is
the case, he will need to make corrections or retractions to what he
has written.
Let’s substitute a different issue here. Let’s say we were talking
about someone who is depressed, bipolar, obsessive compulsive,
or ADD. How would it feel for that person if identifying as any of
these things was instantly viewed as something that was deemed
sinful or something to be ashamed of as a Christian? There is a
real need in counseling for the person being counseled to be able to
rest in the grace of God, knowing that God loves them whether they
are chronically depressed, bipolar, compulsive, have ADD, or have
any other issue or condition. I am not comparing homosexuality to
a mental health condition here. But I am making the point that this
kind of (exgay) belief system in counseling is not going to be helpful
for an individual who is trying to sort out who they are in terms of
orientation. Surely, it is not a coincidence that many gay and
lesbian people who have gone through this type of counseling have
suffered from it. Their stories can be heard here and here.
Regardless of how you interpret the bible in terms of Side A or Side
B there is a real need for people to be able to rest in the grace of
God, knowing that He loves them whether they identify as gay or
straight, But exgay ministries do not give that assurance. It is either
their way or the highway. Additionally, it is quite common for exgay
ministries to blur the line between a person’s identity and their
actions. Many who are exgay (including Alan Chambers) define
their life before their (alleged) change as being full of sex addiction,
orgies, and the like. Now for them, perhaps this was true. And if so
we can certainly rejoice that they are no longer doing these types of
things. But what is often not acknowledged by these same
ministries is the fact that there are many gay and lesbian people out
there who do not engage in these kinds of activities or addictions.
So on top of shame for a person’s identity, a stereotype is added
that is derogatory. This is obviously not helpful.
Another common phrase that is heard in exgay circles is this: “The
opposite of homosexuality is holiness.” Now what in the world
does that mean? Again, if we apply this phrase to the other things
we mentioned we come up with this as the result … the opposite of
depression is holiness .. the opposite of bipolar is holiness, the
opposite of ADD is holiness .. and so forth. This obviously does not
make any sense. It implies that folks who are depressed, bipolar or
ADD cannot be holy. But holiness is not dependent on orientation
or feelings or different states of mind. Holiness comes as a result of
our complete submission to God. Ultimately, God is the one who
makes us holy (Lev 20:7-8). So the stigma is that folks who are gay
cannot be holy. But this is far from the case biblically. Many gay
and lesbian people that I talk with (Side A or Side B) have a much
greater depth of Christ-like character and faith than exgay ministries
would ever admit. In fact, many have a depth of faith equivalent to or
greater than some straight Christian folks I know. (See this link for
more on holiness)
I realize that there are some who claim great success through the
counseling of exgay ministries.. Perhaps some of those who claim
success were working through sexual trauma or addictions or some
other issue listed above under pseudo-homosexuality. Or perhaps
they have simply decided to call their same sex attractions
something else. But many who at one time claimed to have been
changed have reversed their position in later years having come to
the place where they can no longer hide who they are (see link).
They were living a life of denial and fear which was hardly freeing at
all and hardly the life the Jesus would want them to live. Again, this
is the fruit of shame based / fear based counseling that does not
allow the person the grace and security in Christ to discover who
they are.
How much easier it could have been for these folks if they could
have skipped the years of self-denial and self condemnation. How
much better it could have been to have come to terms with who they
are early on, accept themselves as God had already accepted
them, and be able to honestly move on in the life God was calling
them to. If this had occurred, much heartache and sadness could
have been avoided.
As Christians we walk by faith and perfect love casts out fear (I John
4:17-19) We can approach God’s throne with confidence and
boldness knowing that there is nothing about us that is hidden from
His sight (Heb 4:16). How delightful and peaceful to be able to be
at rest in Him. This is something that many of us who are straight
experience with ease. What a shame that these ministries have
adopted a philosophy that deprives gay and lesbian people of this
peace that passes understanding. We need to dispense with
cookie cutter Christianity which tries to fit everyone into the same
mold and instead let God be the potter, crafting each of us uniquely
after His own perfect will.
It should be noted that many denominations such as the Catholic
Church and the Church of the Nazarene do not condemn people for
being gay. However, the exgay position would condemn the
position of these denominations. That, along with the many
testimonies of brokenness, should be more than enough to give us
reason to stop and consider carefully and prayerfully, whether exgay
ministries and/or their mindset should be adopted or supported.
This page is for those who want to take a deeper look at orientation
change ministries. As you have probably already noted... I am
opposed to orientation change ministries for reasons I already listed
(see here).
But let me further clarify some of the issues here. There can be a bit
of confusion over what the term ‘homosexuality’ means.
Sometimes, sex addictions, pornography, orgies, and the like are
all lumped under the one term ‘homosexuality’. This can be
confusing and is derogatory to the many gay and lesbian people
who do not do these things (more on this later). Additionally, some
situations that look like homosexuality are actually what I would call
‘pseudo-homosexuality’. In other words there can be same sex
closeness or intimacy and perhaps same sex sexual activity that is
not orientation driven. Let’s explore this further below…
Types of Pseudo-Homosexuality
Institutional homosexuality:
This is also called "situational homosexuality". It can happen in
same sex prisons where the intense loneliness and need for
companionship may lead to same sex relationships between some
folks who are straight. This is not the same as a same sex
orientation.
Sexual trauma homosexuality:
There can be circumstances where extreme sexual trauma such as
rape could give someone a real aversion to the opposite sex. In
these types of circumstances some people may seek out intimacy
from a same sex individual since a relationship with the opposite
sex brings bad memories, distrust, and traumatic distress. This is
actually similar to institutional homosexuality (above) but the prison
here is not made of mortar and brick but is instead the emotional
prison of a wounded soul. This is not the same as a same sex
orientation either.
Experimental homosexuality:
This may be practiced by straight folks who are in rebellion or are
simply experimenting with things that give pleasure .. drugs …. sex
… and so forth. This would be driven more by desire and lust, not
by an orientation based attraction. Obviously this is not the same as
a same sex orientation.
True Homosexuality:
This would, of course, be those who by their very nature are
attracted to the same sex, romantically, relationally, and sexually.
This would be a true, orientation based, same sex attraction.
-----------
Now before you get all comfortable with this lets take it a step further:
- There are folks in same sex prisons who are in same sex
relationships because they are gay.
- There are folks that have experienced sexual trauma who are
pursuing same sex relationships because they are gay.
- And there are folks experimenting with sexuality that are
having same sex relationships / same sex sex because they
are gay.
So it really is not possible for us to make assumptions about people
just because we hear some snippet of information. We need to
accept what people say about themselves unless they say
otherwise. We have no basis to decide that because there was
sexual trauma in their life, or experimentation, or a dysfunctional
family, or whatever, that they are not truly gay. Gay people go
through these kinds of circumstances and they are still gay. Straight
people go through these kinds of circumstances and they are still
straight.
Now if someone is unsure of their sexual identity and wants to seek
counsel, I have no problem with that. Psychological counsel can be
good and is nothing to be ashamed of. But it needs to be
professional unbiased counsel. It cannot be shame based counsel
where, depending on one’s conclusion, the person is condemned or
looked down on by a particular ideology or faith tradition.
Unfortunately can happen with orientation change counseling if a
person fails to make the change that these ministries require.
For example, here is a quote by Alan Chambers, the head of the
group 'Exodus', an exgay ministry that closed its doors in the
summer of 2013 ...
“So, yes, repentance for the homosexual person and anyone else
for that matter is repenting of who they are: behaviors, identity and
all. This is why I believe it is important to clarify that just living a
celibate gay life is just as sinful as living a sexually promiscuous
one. The sin is in identifying with anything that is contrary to Christ,
which homosexuality clearly is.”
This quote is from Alan's book: God’s Grace and the Homosexual
Next Door (pages 217-218) and clearly shows an agenda and
attitude typical of exgay ministries. The only answer they give is to
repent of a homosexual identity. Failure to do so is identified as
sinful. Such a position creates an attitude of shame and fear in the
person being counseled and gives no room for exploration of one’s
identity. It is not even good enough to identify as gay and then live a
life of celibacy (the Side B approach). No, there is only one solution
given. But how can any honesty exist in counseling such as this
when one of the conclusions a person might come to is viewed as
sinful, something to be ashamed of, and perhaps even condemned
for? I will note that I am getting some indications that Alan may have
changed his position since this book was published. But, if this is
the case, he will need to make corrections or retractions to what he
has written.
Let’s substitute a different issue here. Let’s say we were talking
about someone who is depressed, bipolar, obsessive compulsive,
or ADD. How would it feel for that person if identifying as any of
these things was instantly viewed as something that was deemed
sinful or something to be ashamed of as a Christian? There is a
real need in counseling for the person being counseled to be able to
rest in the grace of God, knowing that God loves them whether they
are chronically depressed, bipolar, compulsive, have ADD, or have
any other issue or condition. I am not comparing homosexuality to
a mental health condition here. But I am making the point that this
kind of (exgay) belief system in counseling is not going to be helpful
for an individual who is trying to sort out who they are in terms of
orientation. Surely, it is not a coincidence that many gay and
lesbian people who have gone through this type of counseling have
suffered from it. Their stories can be heard here and here.
Regardless of how you interpret the bible in terms of Side A or Side
B there is a real need for people to be able to rest in the grace of
God, knowing that He loves them whether they identify as gay or
straight, But exgay ministries do not give that assurance. It is either
their way or the highway. Additionally, it is quite common for exgay
ministries to blur the line between a person’s identity and their
actions. Many who are exgay (including Alan Chambers) define
their life before their (alleged) change as being full of sex addiction,
orgies, and the like. Now for them, perhaps this was true. And if so
we can certainly rejoice that they are no longer doing these types of
things. But what is often not acknowledged by these same
ministries is the fact that there are many gay and lesbian people out
there who do not engage in these kinds of activities or addictions.
So on top of shame for a person’s identity, a stereotype is added
that is derogatory. This is obviously not helpful.
Another common phrase that is heard in exgay circles is this: “The
opposite of homosexuality is holiness.” Now what in the world
does that mean? Again, if we apply this phrase to the other things
we mentioned we come up with this as the result … the opposite of
depression is holiness .. the opposite of bipolar is holiness, the
opposite of ADD is holiness .. and so forth. This obviously does not
make any sense. It implies that folks who are depressed, bipolar or
ADD cannot be holy. But holiness is not dependent on orientation
or feelings or different states of mind. Holiness comes as a result of
our complete submission to God. Ultimately, God is the one who
makes us holy (Lev 20:7-8). So the stigma is that folks who are gay
cannot be holy. But this is far from the case biblically. Many gay
and lesbian people that I talk with (Side A or Side B) have a much
greater depth of Christ-like character and faith than exgay ministries
would ever admit. In fact, many have a depth of faith equivalent to or
greater than some straight Christian folks I know. (See this link for
more on holiness)
I realize that there are some who claim great success through the
counseling of exgay ministries.. Perhaps some of those who claim
success were working through sexual trauma or addictions or some
other issue listed above under pseudo-homosexuality. Or perhaps
they have simply decided to call their same sex attractions
something else. But many who at one time claimed to have been
changed have reversed their position in later years having come to
the place where they can no longer hide who they are (see link).
They were living a life of denial and fear which was hardly freeing at
all and hardly the life the Jesus would want them to live. Again, this
is the fruit of shame based / fear based counseling that does not
allow the person the grace and security in Christ to discover who
they are.
How much easier it could have been for these folks if they could
have skipped the years of self-denial and self condemnation. How
much better it could have been to have come to terms with who they
are early on, accept themselves as God had already accepted
them, and be able to honestly move on in the life God was calling
them to. If this had occurred, much heartache and sadness could
have been avoided.
As Christians we walk by faith and perfect love casts out fear (I John
4:17-19) We can approach God’s throne with confidence and
boldness knowing that there is nothing about us that is hidden from
His sight (Heb 4:16). How delightful and peaceful to be able to be
at rest in Him. This is something that many of us who are straight
experience with ease. What a shame that these ministries have
adopted a philosophy that deprives gay and lesbian people of this
peace that passes understanding. We need to dispense with
cookie cutter Christianity which tries to fit everyone into the same
mold and instead let God be the potter, crafting each of us uniquely
after His own perfect will.
It should be noted that many denominations such as the Catholic
Church and the Church of the Nazarene do not condemn people for
being gay. However, the exgay position would condemn the
position of these denominations. That, along with the many
testimonies of brokenness, should be more than enough to give us
reason to stop and consider carefully and prayerfully, whether exgay
ministries and/or their mindset should be adopted or supported.